Love, Sweet Love

I have returned from a short blogging hiatus to write about... love. I just returned (and by just, I mean 4 days ago...) from my church's Ladies' Retreat where we watched Beth Moore's video series on Loving Well. I guess it got me thinking...

First thing I was struck with at the retreat was that all (okay, not all.. but 90%) of my friends who were there are MARRIED. That's crazy! They're my age! Okay, well not exactly... they're a few years older... but it really seemed strange that these people are married... I guess it just hit me that a husband is not something you "get" once you hit 40... It was just weird. I don't even know how to fully explain my thoughts on this one, but it was just weird. Am I really almost old enough to get married and move out of my mother's house and have to like... get a "big girl" job and have someone else who is going to be there all the time for the rest of ever to think about? That seems really big... yet, at the same time, it's something I want and something I'm looking forward to... eventually!!

Moving on from that... I think the big thing that hit me about this weekend was that you can't really love well until you learn to let yourself be loved. God loves us completely, with a perfect love, but until we accept this love, how can we ever expect to love others? If we don't feel well loved, we're just going to keep building wall after wall, adding layer after layer of stuff to our hearts to protect it from people, to protect it from ever getting hurt again. Perfect love drives out fear and refers to love that is mature and not hampered by insecurity or anxiety. We can have this sort of love, not only with God, but in our relationships, BUT NOT UNTIL WE FEEL WELL LOVED. If we've never felt like we've been loved, how would we even know how to love someone else?

I spent the weekend try to figure out how to accept God's love for me. Those who know me know that I've had my share of hurt and pain growing up and that's definitely given me cause to build huge, HUGE walls around myself so that no one can come in. Trying to understand how someone can find me a joy to love is difficult. Realizing that I don't have to be strong all the time is difficult. But I'm trying. I pray that God will teach us all how to love well and how to accept love in return. It seems odd that this is often the hardest part... at least, it is for me. I want so desperately to be loved, but I find it so incredibly hard to receive it when people (or God) do offer me love.

When I got home, something had changed... not just in me, but in someone else who is very close to me. I came home to someone who wanted to read the Bible with me and pray with me and work through breaking down the walls in my life with me. It's funny... sometimes I wonder if God really does know what He's doing.... haha But seriously, something is different, and I like it.

Captivate my heart/Make it all your own/Melt away my every longing/Till I'm yours alone...